How I was hurt in a fight

There is a goddess who overlooks all the arguments I have in my head. Her name is victory.

But wait, I don’t get into arguments with people in my head because that’d be, you know – crazy. The guy getting into it with people in the imaginary debating chamber of my mind is Hollywood Kingsley. Hollywood Kingsley always has the perfect comeback; that withering one-liner some poor fool has no answer for. A combination of Eddie Murphy and Bruce Lee, he walks the earth as a man of peace, preferring to emotionally disable his opponents with razor-sharp wit; but Hollywood Kingsley will resort to violence when pushed; he can hold up his hands and isn’t afraid of a stoush.

This week I was reminded of the existence of a certain bloke. A bloke who, one day (and night) last year, peppered me with abusive messages for hours, in a spectacular audition for the starring role in the next ‘don’t drink and facebook’ advertising campaign. It was hostile, relentless and, if not completely unwarranted, was massively out of proportion.

I know. I know we are all unique and beautiful expressions of life’s wonder on this earth but, seriously – I think this guy is not just a major dickhead, he’s more than that, he’s like a stand-up comedian taking the piss out one. It’s like how the best impersonator of Donald Trump is Donald Trump. He is his own caricature.

I don’t know if this is a completely accurate scale, but the blokedom league ladder goes something like this: You’ve got your dead-set legends, your great blokes, your solid blokes, your good blokes, average blokes, bad blokes, followed by a whole host of crooked politicians, serial killers, assorted TV personalities and then down to the ultimate damnation in Australian culture – the shit bloke – a tag reserved for the worst of the worst. Yet unbelievably, it is possible to descend lower down this ladder if you wish. Underneath all of this, in some sort of drip tray, is the cyber bully. The internet tough guy: firing off threats and insults from behind the safety of a keyboard.

So what’s all this got to do with me drying off after a shower the other day? Well, because he’d been brought up in recent conversation. Hollywood Kingsley was having an argument with cyber bully drip tray guy in my head. They say that if you argue with a fool, it just makes two fools which is probably fair in this case because as well as being a debating champion and deadly with his hands, Hollywood Kingsley can be a bit of a goose.

The debate got heated; Hollywood Kingsley was saying things like; ‘You aren’t safe behind your keyboard now pal! How about you try saying some of that to my face!’ As we know, Hollywood Kingsley is a man of peace, but he can only be pushed so far. The bloke answered back, things got physical. Hollywood Kingsley threw a sharp little right cross.

I heard a little pop and felt a sharp pain in my right shoulder. A little bit of inflammation around the head of the biceps maybe. Whatever it was it took three days to settle down.

So that’s the story of how I hurt my shoulder having an imaginary fight with a bloke I’ve never met, who abused me online last year.

I think Hollywood Kingsley needs to get in shape.

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